Suresh Naik has a peculiar affliction. If you ask him, it is not an affliction at all, however, He says that the rest of us are simply missing out. Mr. Naik only sleeps on local trains. “I started when I was commuting from Borivali to Churchgate for college” he says. “Invariably, I would fall asleep after my long day. Eventually, I grew so comfortable taking a snooze on the local that I now find it impossible to sleep anywhere else.”

Most see their bedtime as a rare time of peace and tranquility in their busy days. So does Mr. Naik, although we’re not sure we agree with him. “I get yelled at when I’m at work by my boss. All my colleagues are always troubling me, trying to do work. When I get home, I have to face more nagging from my wife. Nobody talks to me on the train- it’s great!”

And what about the crowds and the heat? “It’s good to sweat out your toxins,” Mr. Naik promises. “The local in March- you’re looking at very little breathing room in 40 degree weather. Why go to a sauna when you can get the same effect in the train?”

“The crowds don’t worry me; in fact, they’re the main reason I like to sleep on the train in the first place. My wife hasn’t cuddled with me since Tendulkar retired, and I really miss that personal contact. New people every day? Mmm delightful.” At this, Mr. Naik closed his eyes and smiled softly to himself.

But surely, the sheer din must be impossible? Mr. Naik shrugs. “You ride that local enough, you become immune enough to the sounds. The noise of the tracks, the crowds, the city around us, it has all combined in my mind to produce an indescribably soothing effect to me. My wife once forced me to sleep at home, and I had to borrow the neighbor’s crying baby for the night, else it would have been impossible for me to sleep.”

This is a fake news report. Any similarity or relevance is purely fictional. But hey, here’s hoping for the best. Have an optimistic April Fool’s Day.