Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Sparks fly. Then, somewhere in between, a question arises: “Where’s this going?” Suddenly, Disney's romance turns into a gothic tale of uncertainty, therapy, and ugly crying. Commitment phobia has become the modern rom-com villain. It’s not just fear of settling down; it’s a lifestyle. A performance art, with dedicated practitioners, from the “just seeing where it goes” crowd to the “I love you but…” tribe.
The word ‘commitment’ seems to have gotten heavier over the years. If it were a Netflix series, many of us would still be stuck on episode one, checking IMDb scores, deciding whether to press play or keep scrolling. The idea of settling down? Terrifying. Like choosing a restaurant on a Saturday night—what if the next one is serving a more interesting cocktail?
Meet Sangeeta Dutta Gupta, a 42-year-old marketing professional from Pune. She's been through a marriage, a divorce, and countless debates with herself about whether to dive back into the world of commitment. For her, the game has changed drastically. “Back then, commitment meant sticking it out no matter what,” she says. “Today, it's about being friends first. If you can't be friends, what's the point?”
Gupta is not alone in this. Throughout different aspects of professional and personal life, we’ve all seen marriages fall apart and decade-long couples end things on a random Tuesday. Even the older, married-with-kids industry colleague you knew was seen on Bumble recently. It’s a sign of the times. The traditional ‘ride or die’ partnership has evolved into ‘ride for a bit, see how it goes, and maybe Uber home alone’. For Gupta, the root of the problem lies in the abundance of choice. “It’s like a buffet with too many dishes. You can't focus on just one when there’s a whole spread waiting.” This endless scroll, she says, has turned dating into a comparison game rather than a connection one.
Her frustration with dating apps echoes across generations, seen as a clickbaity topic of discussion over podcasts, movies, books, and the whole cultural spectrum in general. But is it just because people don’t want to say ‘I do’ today? Smritee Relan, a 29-year-old lawyer from New Delhi, shares her perspective: “The biggest challenge with maintaining a long-term commitment is that, at my age, I’m thinking about moving to different cities or countries for academic or career purposes. I want the freedom to experiment with life and, ultimately, to be able to leave everything behind if I choose to. But that’s not easy when you’re committed to someone who wants a future with you, and vice versa.”
We crave autonomy and freedom, yet we still yearn to find ‘The One’. However, we often forget that this ideal partner also needs to be a ‘Selfless One’ or an ‘Overidealised One’. Today, the fear of missing out has become a potent cocktail mixed with a chaser of ‘What if there’s someone better?’ It’s like we’re all playing The Bachelor in our head, hoping that if we hold out just a bit longer, our dream partner—complete with abs, ambition, and a fondness for homemade pasta—will walk in and sweep us off our indecisive feet. But here’s the kicker: in a world of infinite choice, no one is ever good enough. Cue the paradox of commitment—always looking, never leaping.
Ruchi Ruuh, Bumble’s relationship expert, pins this mix of choice paralysis and FOMO as a major culprit. “In today’s world, we’re always wondering if there’s something better around the corner,” she explains. “The paradox of choice makes it harder for people to settle into one relationship. The more options we have, the less decisive we become. More choices lead to more fear of making the wrong one.”
Commitment phobia isn’t just about indecision or fear of monogamy. It’s also influenced by career pressures, personal goals, and the nagging desire for self-fulfilment. Ruuh points out that younger generations—especially Gen Z—are redefining relationships by focusing on self-growth. “The emphasis on autonomy and self-discovery often means people delay long-term commitments to prioritise personal growth and experiences.”
Does that mean are we all just commitment phobes? The short answer is yes. But the longer answer? Not quite. It’s less about phobia and more about self-preservation. We’re not afraid of committing to people; we’re afraid of committing to the wrong people. This isn’t 1950s dating, where you met someone at the local Mithai shop and settled down with them because, well, that’s what everyone did. We’ve evolved—or at least, we think we have.
Ruuh suggests that part of the problem is the expectation that relationships are supposed to be eternal. “Commitments can be short-term too. Sometimes, people commit to a relationship for a specific time under certain circumstances.” What’s striking is how even older generations, like Gupta, now view commitment as more fluid. She believes in ‘friendship first,’ where mutual understanding forms the core of any meaningful connection. “At this stage in life, I don’t want grand gestures,” she says. “I just want someone who gets me.”
Meanwhile, many younger people’s reluctance to settle down stems from a deeper issue—fear of stability. “The idea of being with one person forever? It’s like losing my freedom. I’d rather have the option to explore, meet new people, and learn about myself more,” shares an anonymous 27-year-old from Goa, who has been practising polyamory for the better part of five years.
And that, perhaps, is the heart of the modern commitment conundrum: we’re constantly told that commitment is synonymous with loss—loss of freedom, options, and spontaneity. But Ruuh offers a different perspective: “If you're afraid of missing out, it's important to reflect on what you're really missing. Is it the person, or is it the idea of freedom?”
For all the waxing philosophical, commitment phobia may simply come down to one thing: we’re scared. Scared of making the wrong choice, scared of being vulnerable, and scared of the social pressures that tell us to settle down by a certain age. As Gupta points out, “Back then, people stuck it out. Now, we have preset expiry dates on relationships.” But here’s the thing: in a world where labels like ‘situationships’ are a thing, does commitment even need a traditional definition? Perhaps the new wave of commitment isn’t about lifelong vows but about being upfront with our desires and transparent with our intentions—whether they last a year or a lifetime. And perhaps even more importantly, about putting our needs first.
Because, in the end, maybe commitment isn’t about locking down 'the one' at all. Perhaps it’s about understanding that relationships, like life, evolve. It’s not about who you’re with, but how willing you are to navigate the ups, downs, and in-betweens—without losing sight of your own needs. Whether it lasts a year, a month, or just a fleeting moment, maybe the real question isn’t 'who’s the one?' but rather, 'who do I want to be while I’m with them?
