End of the day. Doom-scrolling through Instagram, a video pops up. A man is asked, “When was the last time you cried tears of joy?”. In the backdrop of what looks like a sunny day at the park, the innocuous man takes a moment, tears swell up in his eyes and reply, “I’ve gone through a dark period in my life in the past few months and I’ve only cried tears of sadness, not tears of joy. So, I wish I could tell you when the last time was and that’s kind of just what made me upset,” he replies. 
 

The caption of the video explains the reasoning behind the question, saying “he seemed too happy a person to ask about sadness”. Comments flood the video, mostly by men, some showing solidarity, some sharing virtual hugs, some describing their struggles and how they came close to ending it all. One particular comment, with more than a thousand likes, reads, “Stallion level man. He shows a strong positive masculine mindset and an inch under the surface he is literally in a battle for his life. Deep respect mate. For his strength, for his perseverance, and his vulnerability. That folk is real masculinity.” A few different comments note how a call from a male friend is what it took to stop them from taking a drastic step.  

Still from Bojack Horseman (Netflix)

Touched, I call a friend who’s going through something similar. He picks up, and we speak for a few minutes, but neither of us gathers the courage to talk about our struggles. The call ends, with promises to meet up and talk, which never happens.  

According to an analysis by the International Institute for Population Sciences (IIPS) in Deonar, Maharashtra, the rate of suicide among Indian men is 2.5 times higher than among women. Similarly, as per a report by The Lancet Regional Health, 1,18,979 males died by suicide against 45,026 females, last year. The same study mentions that the age group with the most suicide deaths for men was 18–29, 30–44, and 45–59 years, with family problems and health issues being the prominent triggers. Perhaps each of them was burdened with mental wounds, compounded over decades, yet never resolved. But why is it that men lack the vulnerability to open up? What is it about modern masculinity that is slowly poisoning the men of today? Why have we become so stoic? 

Man = Macho? 

Arushi Sethi - CEO & Co-Founder Trijog Know Your Mind 

“Men are expected to be like this because the Macho image through years was synchronised by males,” says Arushi Sethi, CEO and Co-Founder of Trijog Know Your Mind, India’s leading organisation for Mental health care and wellness. She adds, “Unfortunately, we started identifying macho as strong, and that got linked to male characteristics. Similarly, we began associating anything soft or tender with women. So, we lacked a clear, educative understanding of men versus women or masculinity versus femininity.” 

Sethi also elaborates on how the expectation to be strong, stoic, and unemotional comes from the sense of wanting power, or rather the incorrect notion of power, which stems from men equating it with being happy, versus understanding that there is no need for power when one is complete. She adds, “To feel powerful, one feels, or the male feels that they have to be unemotional, practical because unfortunately, power was established through or identified with these things. Secondly, the expectation of being in control contradicts asking for help. Men desire control due to patriarchal societal norms. Thus, when they are expected to maintain control, they may feel conflicted about expressing emotions.” 

As per Sethi, is how patriarchy blurs your vision of what’s right and wrong, which more often than not, is perpetuated by how you were raised. Pop culture doesn’t help much either. Case in point the glorification of Batman’s childhood trauma which wouldn’t have existed if Bruce Wayne had seen a child therapist. Similarly, Anakin and Luke would’ve had a healthy father-son relationship, instead of making the entire galaxy suffer.  

“The concept of weakness versus strength is pervasive,” states Sethi, adding, “Unfortunately, when discussing our genuine emotions or situations, we often perceive them as a sign of weakness due to a lack of education. However, true strength resides in communication. Many of these expectations may also originate from delicate instances experienced during childhood, such as observing parental dynamics and projecting those dynamics onto oneself.” 

What Sethi describes echoes a common theme in Indian household dynamics, devoid of the cringe comedy but laden with generational trauma. Men, when engaged in an emotionally challenging situation, most of them try to withdraw from it, either by escalating the confrontation or physically removing themselves from the situation. It is the patriarchal conditioning, which Sethi states, “does not allow men to learn about the feminine traits that we all hold as human beings. When you feel like you know something, you may not seek further knowledge. And when you stop wanting to learn, your growth comes to a halt. We may become condescending instead of assertive, over-communicative instead of expressive, authoritative instead of accommodating, and rigid instead of flexible. And what kind of human being does that make you? Do you even recognize yourself anymore?" 

Do we choose to be lonely? 

Every man, at some point in his life, has found himself beneath the avalanche of these emotions, where recognising oneself in the mirror sometimes becomes difficult. To cope, some turn to working out, not only for physical health but for mental well-being as well. At my lowest, when it felt like the walls were closing in, I would hop on a motorcycle to escape the turmoil in my mind; motorcycles seemed to offer the fastest escape route. Sethi alludes this to freedom, “When you feel free, you truly feel relaxed, and everybody enjoys the true feeling of relaxation. Anything that elicits the feeling of freedom, which in turn elicits the feeling of relaxation, is something that men gravitate towards.” 

However, Sethi does point out that this is only a temporary fix to the solution, “This is catharsis. But is it preventive? That is the larger question. So, while this could be cathartic, is it aiding you in developing yourself? Is it helping you uncover your traumas, triggers, and concerns? Or is it just providing temporary relief, allowing them to resurface later? The right mix of both is extremely essential. You need to have catharsis to feel sane, and you need to actively seek therapy to understand your thoughts, their impact on your feelings, and how they influence your behaviour.”  

A fresh start 

So, how do we change this? Apart from seeking counselling, how do we make sure others around us aren’t getting squished by the world and power dynamic we’ve created for ourselves? How do we escape from our prison? As per Sethi, it is about creating a non-judgmental phase, that allows others around to feel safe in our company, something which women have built for themselves and other women around them. But it isn’t just about femininity and masculinity, as per Sethi, “you need to let your feminine traits work for you and your masculine traits work for you and be an individual instead of just a male or female.”   

If you just cling to one, particularly the idea of dealing with things in a masculine way, you might end up echoing Bojack Horseman's sentiment: “Life's a bitch and then you die”. And who wants that?