Shah Rukh Khan once proclaimed “Pyaar Ek Hi Baar Hota Hain,” but later contradicted himself by falling in love and marrying someone else in the second half of the same movie. Perhaps, Karan Johar’s Kuch Kuch Hota Hai could’ve wrapped up in under an hour if polyamory had been up for discussion, but we’ll never know. 

This thought might’ve seemed heretical a decade ago but is slowly becoming a norm today. Young Indians, both men and women, have been opening up their dating preferences and also their bedrooms, with concepts of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory or open marriages being…well, no longer an open secret. But then the question arises: isn’t this just another way of fucking around with extra steps? The short answer is no.

For a more elaborate take, the aforementioned “extra steps” are where the crux of a non-monogamous relationship lies. But how does one even get into this sort of equation? For Anis, a Media Professional from Mumbai, it was essentially a “why not” moment, as he states: “I was dating a bisexual person; she wanted to explore her sexuality, and I thought, why can’t I have one more partner too?”

Similarly, for Delhi-based JG, who works in the education sector, it was a flip-of-the-switch moment. “I didn’t have an idea that relationships like this were also a choice one could practice ethically,” he said, adding, “I always felt that I had a lot of love to give and often had feelings for other people but didn’t act on it. My current (SO) introduced me to the concept, and I started exploring it, which eventually worked for me.”

But how does a setup like this function? Does it mean you need to have an ever-changing roster of partners? Again, the answer is no. The societal pressure accompanied by the pop-cultural emphasis on “finding the one” has given non-monogamy an ugly PR spin. In reality, it has the same basic challenges as a monogamous setup. You don’t necessarily have to see multiple partners at once, but you have the freedom to do so if desired. It’s this freedom that removes the concept of ownership that most men tend to feel.

Moreover, non-monogamous relationships are a litmus test of communication and honesty, as Sundar B. Hole puts it, adding, “Everything in relationships is easier said than done. They’re difficult, but not for the reasons most people expect.”

But what about jealousy? Wouldn’t you feel insecure if your partner went out with someone else? Or vice versa. Do non-monogamous folks not experience jealousy? Yes, they do. But there are ways to work through it. As JG puts it, “It’s a reminder to check in with myself and my partner on what’s causing that feeling. Rather than viewing it negatively, my partner(s) and I have used it as a way to open a communication channel to explore the underlying causes, which helps us navigate through it.”

You don’t need to be perfect. Jealousy, after all, is a human emotion and can transform is from Raj in Kuch Kuch Hota Hain to Rahul from Darr. Reflecting on such challenges, Sundar recalls: “I used to lash out quite a bit; it was after realizing I was insecure about specific things they had — physical attributes, experience, money, etc., that I handled things better.”

Is all this extra effort and adjustment worth it? Is non-monogamy better than a conventional monogamous setup? For Anis, it’s an easy yes: “Insecurities are significantly lesser in non-monogamous relationships.” For JG, the additional space allows self-growth, stating: “It involves a lot more open and honest communication. Shifting away from the idea of ownership also helps me explore my identity and needs in a way that doesn’t burden my partner to always be here for me.”

For Sundar, “It leads to a better ‘friendship’ with the partner — the goal is not some arbitrary happy-ever-after, but more of a mutual understanding of each other’s sexual and romantic desires that may not be possible in monogamy.”

But then, how do you manage time and emotional energy between multiple partners? For JG, it comes down to planning: “I actively choose not to date more than two people at the same time because of the time and effort relationships require. Taking out personal time also helps me centre myself and be there for my partners when they need me, at the same time ask for their help when I need it.”

This raises the question of sexual health and how to be safe, a rather burning (geddit?) apprehension one seems to associate with non-monogamous equations. For Anis, things are simple: “Be clean, keep your partners clean. Communicate, and follow hygiene,” while for JG, specific rules need to be followed, with “STD and STI tests are a must” 

But apart from the fun stuff, there comes a need to establish boundaries, or ground rules, so to speak, in the early stages of a relationship, something which Sundar reiterates: “Being upfront about your limits and needs is the most important thing — along with some ground rules on how to approach any ‘breaches of contract.’ You don’t make a polygamous omelette without breaking a few monogamous eggs. Or something like that.” Something which JG follows ardently: “I do have an anchor partner (someone I am willing to have kids/share finances with), so with them and my other partners, it’s often laid out during the early stages what my boundaries are, again in an open and honest conversation.”

But how do you explain such a dynamic to the outside world, especially among your bros? Wouldn’t there be judgment or labels? Something similar to what JG has experienced, “People often think I’m just cheating on my partner without asking me what my relationship looks like with them or pass judgments that are uncalled for.” Sundar recounts similar incidents: “I’ve faced a lot of judgment, but mostly from women — who have said some pretty rude things towards me and my partner. The men don’t seem to care as much, or are politely curious and generally accepting — though I understand that very few men in India actually empathize with the position.”

Often there are ways to respond, or not as Anis puts it: “There’s no response other than the establishment of facts,” while JG states: “I’ve learned to not pay heed to it and focus on what matters to me and the people I am with.”

At the end of the day, though, is it all worth it? And what exactly in non-monogamous relationships stands out as particularly rewarding or fulfilling? For Anis, “It becomes like a support group if you have people who do understand why we are together.” Echoing his thought, JG describes his polyamorous journey, stating: “ I haven’t felt more heard or understood the way I do now with people that I have met. I feel more fulfilled and supported in the things I do; my emotional state has been better, I am able to communicate my feelings in a much better way and conflict doesn’t feel as hard as it used to be before.”

For Sundar, things are a bit simpler, “The general feeling of not putting all your eggs in one basket can feel a bit freeing, especially with how monogamy forces couples to be more performative than they may want.”

Contrary to what popular media may have you believe, a non-monogamous relationship isn’t a replacement for a monogamous one, but rather an alternative. After all, let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to see Raj, Anjali, and Tina as a throuple?